Finding the right nanny for your family isn’t easy. Breaking up with your nanny is as difficult, emotional, and anxiety-producing. I’ve listened to many families and nannies over the years describe the dissolution of their relationships. I keep a big box of Kleenex on my desk and sometimes I want to reach for a tissue myself. Other times, I am shocked with how parents have handled the break-up.
A nanny job— taking care of someone’s children often for 50 hours a week—is like no other. All that togetherness and then it’s over. It’s a loss felt intensely by nanny, parent, and child. There are many situations that may result in an end to the nanny’s employment. As the parent and employer, how do you best handle the break-up? This topic is nuanced and doesn’t easily lend itself to one of those “Top Five” or “Top Ten How To” lists.
In some cases, the child has just aged out of the arrangement. He or she is going to school and there is no longer a need for full time care. If the family and nanny can’t work out ways to continue the relationship by recasting the work description, the nanny will have to move on. In this situation, there is no fault or blame. The best way to handle the situation is for both parties to sit down and talk about the obvious—the kids are going to be in school all day. Then talk about a departure date. The family should offer to write a letter of reference and give the caregiver as much time as possible to find a new position. Offer to help her find her next position. While posting a departing nanny on a local list serve has become very popular, her search can be streamlined if you contact and recommend your nanny to a good local agency who can offer her immediate and personalized service. You will also have to field fewer calls from interested employers since the agency will help vet families for your nanny. Fortunately, at the beginning and end of each summer, there is turnover in the market and it is a reasonable time frame for the nanny to search for a new position.
I understand that many people worry about a lame duck working in their home with their children once they know the job is ending, but fortunately, I have never heard of a caregiver taking out this sad news on the child or children. Obviously, if the relationship takes a turn for the worse, the end will need to come sooner.
What happens if the relationship between the nanny and the family has unraveled, but you’ve been together a long time? There were many good year to be thankful for. Again, talk about moving on, give a reasonable departure time (two to four weeks), and write a letter of reference. The situation is more complicated if the caregiver lives in your home. She will not only be losing her job but also the roof over her head. In the case of a live-in nanny, two weeks is probably not enough time for her to land a new job with a place to live. If at all possible, try not to end on a sour note. Take the high road even if you feel your caregiver is falling down on the job now. There is no upside to a nasty break-up. You are also modelling appropriate behavior for your children.
No matter how disappointed or even angry you are about decisions, actions, or statements that were made by the nanny, throwing someone out of your house is extreme. Relieve them of their duties, but allow them time to respond with their point of view (even if you are not feeling totally receptive) and give them time to find a place to go. That old adage about two sides of a story still holds true. However, if there is an egregious incident, then immediate dismissal is in order.
Taking the high road is always my advice. Give your nanny severance. Most caregivers live pay check to pay check. Hopefully, you will have the amount spelled out in your contract. Two weeks is basic and standard, but if someone has been in your employ a long time or if you know that two weeks salary is too little to tide them over until they find a new job, more severance would certainly be helpful. Again, you should provide a letter of reference which includes dates of employment and job description. I don’t advise anyone to lie in the letter or be overly positive if you aren’t feeling that way and I realize it may be hard to have a warm and fuzzy perspective when you are really ready to move on. On the other hand, there are probably a myriad of positive things you can list when thinking back over the years. Breaking up with your nanny is an emotional experience no matter why the break-up is happening. Everyone feels some loss.
FInally, what do you tell the children? Closure is important. While the content of the discussion is based on the age of the child or children, it is important to have a conversation with your children explaining that their nanny has to move on. In these types of conversations, I believe in little white lies. I also believe the nanny should be able to say good-bye to the children. You do not want your children to feel guilty for the nanny’s departure nor do you want them to feel empowered for causing her to leave. It is also a nice opportunity for the nanny to honor the relationship she has built with your children before she leaves.
And remember, in any nanny departure situation, taking that high road will help make the transition to your next arrangement more positive.
Barbara Kline, White House Nannies, Inc.